


Integra and the Twihard

by BornOnAFridayIn91



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Humor, Podfic Welcome, discussion of pop culture vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 07:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7792381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornOnAFridayIn91/pseuds/BornOnAFridayIn91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Integra discusses literature with someone of vastly different taste than her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Integra and the Twihard

Integra Hellsing sat reading a book. It was a Saturday afternoon and she found herself in a bookstore, waiting for her new pair of glasses to be made. She sat towards the back of the store in an overstuffed armchair, her tea pleasantly steaming and a scone from the café beside her on a table. Integra had chosen _Frankenstein_ as her intended purchase, having not read it since she was in school.

Today was a rare day Integra had anytime to herself. She was accustomed to working seven days a week with little downtime, but everything seemed to line up just right to allow her this time as though the universe was telling her to take a break. Sitting there, dressed casually, she looked like an average twenty-two-year-old, her nose buried in her book. She smirked. If only the other patrons knew…

Suddenly, her tranquility was shattered by a young girl throwing herself into the armchair across from Integra’s, gabbing away on her cellphone. With her eyes just visible over the book, Integra studied the young girl. She looked to be fourteen or fifteen, her red hair sloppily dyed black that was long overdue for a new dye job and as though the alternative style department store had thrown up on her. Integra grimaced in pity. One side of her face was covered by her bangs and her only visible eye was smeared with black eye makeup. Integra cringed whenever the girl would flip her bangs out of her eyes with a sudden jerk of her neck. How was that not painful? The girl was clearly entrenched in her awkward phase. Her clothes wore her, not the other way around, like they were some sort of costume. It brought back memories of Integra’s own awkward phase, lanky and knobby kneed, just started her period and wearing glasses, sitting at her desk with a pile of books under her so she could see over it…At least this girl didn’t have to deal with a psychotic vampire running around her home.

“Did you get your fangs?” The girl asked, her phone cradled in the crook of her neck as she slid off her hoodie. “No don’t get those! Get the good kind, you know the kind theater companies use.”

“Yeah they’re expensive, but my mum always says you get what you pay for. You have to buy them online.”

 “See, once we get our fangs, we’ll be so cool! Like real vampires!”

Integra had enough of eavesdropping on that particular conversation. She never understood the cultural appeal of vampires. They drank blood and were cursed with immortality. There was so much they couldn’t do, it sounded like a very disadvantaged life. Was it all worth it? Alucard would say no. He could rant and rave for hours about how he regretted his choice, how he became a weak monster.

Speaking of vampires, Integra was very glad to be away from the now _two_ vampires that leeched off of her. Maybe it was the summer heat, the sun rising earlier and setting later, but both Alucard and Seras were becoming obnoxious and annoying. One of Seras’ favorite shows was coming to end and it was though a beloved family member was dying. As for Alucard, there was a very minor, minuscule even, crisis in Romania that was promptly dealt with, that threw its former King, its voivode into a tizzy. The old vampire was constantly lamenting about how his country had gone to shit, trying to find a way to remedy such a failure (which again, had already been effectively dealt with) from London without blowing his cover. His trust in Romania’s leaders had been shot in the face and grey matter was everywhere. He kept begging Integra to allow him to return to Romania, fix anything he perceived to be wrong and erase the memories of anyone he encountered along the way. Integra was just about to let him, just to get him to shut the hell up (it wasn’t like he could do a worse job than any of the current world leaders), when she knew she had to get out.

The humans were knuckin’ futs, too. Walter had dreamt of a glorious weapon he was itching to manufacture, his masterpiece, his opus, his pièce de résistance, only to hit a road block in its construction that stifled and frustrated him. Anytime anyone tried to speak with him, he would lurch out of his dark workshop, hunched and harried, hair a mess and snap at anyone who dared bother him.  Stymied.

The last nail in the coffin (no pun intended) was seeing a new maid, about Integra’s age that looked like she had vibrant colored gumballs glued to her nails and dramatically, comically overdrawn lips. How in the hell she made through all her interviews if she looked like that, it was beyond Integra. She blamed Walter and his creative block for letting such a breach in uniform policy slide by. This was an English estate, not Forever 21, dammit!

Integra had to get out before she began to assimilate. She had no qualms about seeing herself to her appointment and about her day. Thankfully, it had slipped Walter’s mind and she didn’t have to deal with his current bout of apparent insanity. She left early in the morning, during the golden hours before the humans awoke and after the vampires had gone to bed. She got herself breakfast and went to her appointment.

She didn’t take the Rolls Royce, opting for her own, personal car. Maybe she wanted to pretend she wasn’t who she was for that day. Even though very few twenty-two year olds drove a car that costs as much as Integra’s.

If a proverbial cop drug her weird ass version of a family to her, she would muster all of her training in the art of deception and calmly say,

“No officer, I have no idea who those people are, but one in red needs a muzzle, the girl needs lithium and the elderly individual needs a tranquilizer.”

Integra was brought out of her thoughts to the girl once more. She was digging in her messenger bag that was covered in pins of bands and pop culture, so many that the bag clicked and clattered with every move the girl made. Finally, she found what she was looking for, pulling out a well-loved and read novel. It was crumpled and the spine was cracked. Given the state of the book, Integra assumed the girl’s mother nearby running errands and dropped her off here where she would be safe.

Integra knew about the series the girl was reading. It was about a human and vampire romance filled with purple prose and teen angst. The content was problematic on multiple levels, the writing sophomoric and the plot inane. She judged the young girl from behind her own book.

Integra knew you couldn’t judge a book, or anything for that matter, until you tried it yourself, let alone critique a book before you read it, but she couldn’t bring herself to read such tripe. She should invite the main character over to spend the night at Hellsing headquarters, or any fan of the series and author of the series, just to see how much they loved vampires after dealing with Alucard and his foes turned meals.

“Is that _Frankenstein_?” The girl asked Integra.

Integra took a moment to reply, still observing the girl. “It is.”

“I read it last year. It was pretty good, but I like vampires more.”

“So I’ve heard.” Integra replied, still clutching her novel to her.

The girl giggled. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s just that these books are so good. I wanna be a vampire.”

Integra felt a knife twisting in her heart as the young girl said that.

“What’s your name?” Integra asked, closing her book.

“Paige, but my friends call me Raven. We have a vampire coven at my school, it’s totally cool and that’s my name in it.”

Integra repressed an eye roll. Oh this girl would cringe at these antics in a few years! “I’m Integra. Do you mind if I call you just Paige?”

“Sure, I guess.” She sounded deflated that Integra refused to use her ‘vampire name.’

“Why do you like vampires so much?” It wasn’t that this girl liked vampires, it was that she wanted to _be_ one that bothered Integra.

Paige shrugged, “I dunno. They’re cool.”

“And you think you’re not, without this vampire persona?”

Paige snorted and shook her head, “God no. What’s so cool about a regular girl?”

“Can you tell me something unique about yourself that comes naturally to you? A facet of your personality or a talent?” Integra probed.

Paige thought for a moment, “I mean, I’m pretty good at art, like any kind of art. I guess I’m pretty good with my hands in that sense. I like watercolors and sculpting and I really want to try oil pastels when it’s offered in my next level art class next semester. I’ve won all kinds of awards, too.”

“You don’t seem as boring as you think you are, Paige. In fact, quite the opposite.”

“Do you think I’m silly for this whole vampire thing?”

Integra purposefully avoided a direct answer, wanting to spare Paige’s feelings, “I think a vivid imagine is imperative for enjoying life, even more so to an artist.”

Integra wasn’t sure why she was offering such counsel to Paige. She was so young and full of life. Integra didn’t want to see her file come across her desk one day, seeing that Paige had somehow managed to become a real vampire only to have Alucard snuff her out and have to sign her death warrant. Normally, Integra would let things happened as fate deigned. If Paige was stupid enough to let such things happen to her, she deserved it, but Integra could bring herself to be so callous with Paige.

“But I like the night time, it gives me energy.” Paige continued, “Like, my friends and I will have sleepovers and we’ll go outside when it gets dark. The moon and stars and sky is gorgeous at night. It’s nice outside with a breeze and in the summer lightning bugs are out. Night blooming jasmine that my mum grows fills the air and it’s…” She paused and thought for a word. “magical.”

“So you like being one with nature?” Integra surmised.

“Yeah, totally!” Paige replied, a large smile glittering her face.

“And you can’t do that as a human?”

Alucard and other vampires were completely removed from nature. Natural elements such as the sun and particular plant life were dangerous to non Hellsing vampires. Vampires upset nature’s divine balance of life and death. To say a vampire was one with nature is to say a cat is at one with water.

“What I’m trying to say is that you can still be you and stand out from the crowd. Ironically, as humans the only thing we all have in common is that we all different and unique. If you still favor a darker style, that’s fine, but know when you’re doing it for yourself, because you like it and it makes you feel good and when you’re just doing it for others. At the end of the day, you can only please yourself.”

“Wow, you’re really wise, Integra.”

“I had to grow up fast.”

Paige’s eyes moved from Integra’s to something behind her. Integra felt his presence long before Alucard made himself known.

“Did you really think you could hide from me?” He asked, placing his hands on her shoulders from behind her chair.

Integra didn’t make a move to look at him. “I could only hope.”

From the look on Paige’s face, Integra could tell she was smitten with Alucard, who drank it up. “Who is this lovely creature?” he asked.

“This is Paige; we have been discussing literature.” Integra replied. “Paige, this is Alucard.”

“Hiii.” She said shyly.

Alucard came around, took her hand and kissed it, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Paige.” He crooned as she giggled.

He spotted the book she was reading, “I recommend Dracula as an alternative to such dribble.”

“Oh I bet you do.” Integra muttered.

Suddenly, loud, poor quality screamo music stopped any conversation. Meekly, Paige pulled out her phone. “Hi mom. Okay, I’m coming.” She turned back to the two vampire hunters. “I hafta go, but thanks for your advice, Integra. It makes a lot of sense. “

“Who was that?” Alucard asked after Paige was out of earshot.

“She could have been one of your targets in five years, but I think I talked her out of it.” Integra replied. She stood up, “Come along Alucard, we’re done here.”

 

* * *

 

This is not to make fun of anyone who likes _Twilight_ , it’s merely to just play around with Integra and her reaction to the series. I hope the moral of the story, be yourself, isn’t too preachy. I didn’t want this to come off as Integra berating Paige and by extension, me hating on Twilight. So, I put in the moral. Let’s face it, we all want to hear Hellsing’s opinion of _Twilight_!

 

 


End file.
